The Wine Bottle and Love's Possibility

Although the following true story (included with permission) about the conflict created by the placement of a wine bottle may seem extreme it is a good illustration of how conditioning often plays out in relationships - and how there is another way.  

Sue was married to Joe and he never seemed to put the wine bottle in the place she wanted.  Every evening he had a glass of wine and every evening he put the bottle back in the wrong spot according to Sue.  She told him this upset her and that she wanted it put back where she showed him. 

He, as usual, agreed that he would do as she wanted. But then a couple of nights later she watched from another room as he poured his wine and moved to put the bottle back in the spot she wanted but then he paused and put it in the place she didn't want. She was furious but didn't say a word.

Joe often withdraws rather than face conflict with Sue. 
He complies even though he is seething within. 
He isn't being honest with himself or Sue. 

Sue demands. 
She feels she is right and he is wrong and there is one way to do things. 
But she also sometimes withdraws and seethes,
as she did when she didn't say anything about what she saw. 

When we know the wholeness of Presence
the conditioned reactions of withdrawing and demanding 
gradually fall away and more freedom to respond
in love and wisdom comes to the forefront. 

Rather than withdraw we can respond with authenticity and set boundaries with those who try to place demands on us and rather than demand others do things as we think they should we can lovingly allow them their freedom –which occasionally may include voicing our preferences but always with an honesty that it is truly only a preference and not a demand.

But – this freedom to respond rather than react often comes to the forefront when we first go through the discomfort of not reacting.

Reacting to whatever is happening by withdrawing or demanding (or earning – more on this in the next post) at a certain level feels comfortable. Withdrawing or demanding feels familiar and not as risky as not withdrawing or demanding. 

The unconditioned response that comes with being present often initially feels very, very risky. The discomfort when we pause rather than react may be quite intense for a time. But when we allow the discomfort fully without acting on it those conditioned patterns gradually lose their intensity and wise, loving responses come to the forefront. 

For Joe to stand before Sue’s demands fully present and not withdraw he may feel a lot of discomfort within.  His heart may pound, his breathing may become labored and he may feel sick to his stomach even as he just considers being honest and loving in communicating how he wants his freedom to be honored. But if he allows and moves through that discomfort as he senses his true Presence, a new way of being and expressing love will begin to reveal itself to him.

For Sue, in full presence, to observe Joe’s actions as he does things the way he does them and not to voice a demand may feel very uncomfortable for her. She may feel extremely agitated within, it may feel intolerable not to tell him what she wants him to do. But if she allows and moves through the discomfort and senses her true Presence, a new way of being and expressing love will begin to reveal itself to her.
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Freedom in relationships is honored when we know and honor our own freedom.